Letting It Go
by Mouserocks-nerd
Summary: Kate's life isn't as perfect as she thinks it is. What will it take for her to finally come to terms with what happened and learn to move on? One-shot. My first jump into Castle fiction. R&R!


**A/N:** This is my first foray into Castle fic- very excited about the season finale tonight! Just a random sort of idea that popped into my head, but I seem to like it. I don't know. Just a quick one-shot. Again, first Castle fic, so please review! I've got more ideas for other Castle stories and plan on (eventually) getting them posted up here- any advice is helpful. ;) Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I am not Andrew Marlowe. Nor do I lay claim to having any rights to the Castle characters or plot lines. This is just a piece of creativity that manifested itself in the form of a fanfiction story that happens to be about those characters. Just enjoy!

* * *

Kate stirred slightly at the sound of her husband's voice whispering in her ear, but did not yet fully wake, content to just let the feel of his warm breath brush her skin and snuggle deeper under the covers.

"Hey, I'm gonna go ahead and leave now. Love you."

She mumbled an acknowledgment and listened intently as he made his quiet exit from the loft. She knew she should get up, but something inside of her just wanted to stay in bed all day- and actually sleep in it. With a reluctant sigh, Kate opened one eye to peek at her alarm clock before starting and jumping out of her bed. Why hadn't Castle woken her up? had she really fallen back asleep for that long? Or had he simply been running late for that meeting with Gina?

Either way, she was over twenty minutes late now- sweeping her hair into a bun in deference to showering. Gates would have her hide for being so late.

*****C*****

Kate felt herself attracting a lot of stares as she strode briskly into the precinct, and blushed appropriately. Esposito and Ryan quickly made their way over to her as she sat at her desk, concerned looks on their faces.

"Kate? Everything okay?"

"Yep. Perfectly fine, Detective. Gates didn't notice I was late, did she?"

The two men shared a wary look before turning back to answer her. "You know I'm not sure," Kevin began slowly.

"Yeah. I think she'll be cool with it anyways, right Kevin?"

"Right."

Kate looked at them both as though they were crazy. "Um, okay... Quit looking at me like I just came back from the dead. What's the matter with you two?" Her words seemed to shake them from whatever fog they'd been in, and with one last shared look, they turned away from their boss. "So, we got anything new?"

"Uhm, yeah. A girl by the name of Shelby Drake. Twenty-six years old, brown hair, blue eyes, found dead right outside the... um, a bar."

"That looks like the Old Haunt," she murmured mostly to herself, but the boys caught it and shared another worried glance.

"Uh, yeah. It is," Esposito's voice sounded strange to Kate, she thought.

"Anyway," Ryan picked up where his friend couldn't continue. "She's got one GSW to the chest, probably the cause of death, but Lanie's with the body right now, just in case."

"Hit and run, you think?"

"I'd like to think so, but the angling of the would suggests otherwise. According to the barkeep, she was more than a little tipsy when she left- on the shoulder of some mystery man," Espo added with a suggestive look.

"Did he come forward?"

"Nope. We've lost him. Can't track him down. Hopefully, we'll get back the autopsy results and have something a little more firm."

Kate nodded, taking it all in as she looked at the murder board. "Gosh, I wish Castle were here. Could really use some of his help on this one."

Kate caught another look between the two men- this one she seemed able to interpret. Since when did the great Detective Beckett want or need anybody's help?

"BECKETT?" Kate winced and turned around to Gates' sharp tone. "What are you doing out there? My office. Now."

"Yes, sir," Kate rolled her eyes a little at the boys and was surprised to note that they didn't laugh or smirk this time. Shrugging, Kate entered her boss' office, shutting the door behind her with a soft click.

"You wanted to see me, Sir?"

Gates seemed to evaluate the younger woman before her, raking her gaze up and down her form. "Why don't you sit down, Detective."

Kate obliged willingly, if not a little uneasily.

For once in her life, Victoria Gates didn't know how to start the conversation. It wasn't as simple as the here's-your-assignment speech, or the try-and-keep-your-hands-off-Castle-for-five-minutes lecture. This... this was something else altogether. Finally, after a few moments of squirming on both of their counts, she just jumped right in.

"Kate, why don't you head out for the rest of the day? You've been operating under a lot of stress lately- I don't want you to overwork yourself."

Kate fairly bristled. "I'm not overworking myself. I'm doing just fine-"

"I know that, I know. It's just... how have you been feeling? And I mean really feeling?" She tried a different tactic.

Kate frowned in confusion. "I... I'm not sure. I sort of have this... heavy feeling in my head, like I could fall asleep at any moment or like I'm under water or something. I don't know. It's nothing big or anything."

Victoria nodded sympathetically. "I understand, I do. When's your next therapy session with Dr. Burke?"

Ire rising once again, Kate kept herself reined in tightly with her response. "Tomorrow afternoon, at 3:15."

"Good, good. I'd advise you to go home until you see your doctor again. If he thinks it's wise, come back in on Friday. Alright? And that's not a request." Gates winced slightly at how harsh that came off, wishing for perhaps the first time since she took this job that Castle were there to quell the detective. A silence trapped the conversation for a few moments as she thought of what she could possibly say to right the conversation again. Kate finally stood, taking the silence for dismissal and opening the door, when Gates jumped back into reality. "It's hard on you, I know. It would make things easier on all of us if he were here today. Just to be there for you."

"Who, Castle?" Kate waved aside the note of concern. "Please. I'm fine. Really, sir."

Gates nodded. "Good."

"Besides, he's only gone today because he had a meeting with Gina about his next book. I'll see him tonight and tomorrow he'll be in here bouncing around, probably rubbing it in your face that you said you miss him." With a grin, Katherine Beckett Castle strode out of her boss' office and, quickly gathering her things, entered the elevator.

Victoria Gates felt her jaw come unhinged.

Once her office was vacated, Esposito came up and rapped lightly on the door. "Hey, so we were gonna head out and track down- is everything okay, sir? Sir?"

She shook her head slightly and turned to face the man. "Change of plans. You and Detective Ryan are going to follow Detective Beckett. And make sure Lanie keeps tabs on her whereabouts for you- don't let her wander off. Understand?"

Espo's eyes widened in fear as he nodded. "Yes, sir. But what happened? Why? Did she threaten to hurt herself or something? I mean, what-?"

Gates shook her head. "Sort of. But this is worse."

"Worse how?"

"She thinks Castle is still alive."

*****C*****

When Kate got back to the loft, she finally released her irritation, shouting fruitlessly into the empty apartment air. With a huff, she set down her bag and slipped off her heels, leaving them laying haphazardly by the couch. She noticed the message machine blinking and swiftly went over and hit the play button. Upon hearing her husband's voice ring out, she immediately felt more relaxed and allowed a small smile to cross her face.

_"Hey, Kate, it's me. Just wanted to let you know that my meeting with Gina got out a little early. Bad news on that front- she wants me to go on another book tour. Not as bad as it sounds, I know- but it means I'll have to leave you. So I'm a little bummed about that. Anyway. I'll try your cell, otherwise I guess I'll just see you at home then. So... um, bye. Oh, and love you."_

Kate stopped the message before the machine read her off the options for deleting or saving it, laughing softly to herself. For a man who made his living off of words, he sure sounded insecure and hesitant over the phone. She shook her head.

She hadn't gotten any calls from him on her cell, so instead she pocketed the device and moved to the kitchen in search of sustenance.

Kate felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and removed it to find Lanie was texting her. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

**Hey, girl. Javi said you actually came in today. Did he tell you about the body?**

Kate's brow furrowed slightly in confusion before she texted her friend back. **Sort of. Young girl. GSW to the chest. Why?**

The response came less than a few seconds later.

**Yep. But the GSW wasn't what killed her. She'd been heavily drugged before.**

Kate felt her mind process that information when another text came shooting right afterwards.

**Poisoned, Kate.**

Kate felt her eyebrows rise. Drugged- poisoned- and then shot? Her thumbs went to work at a response.

**Now that's overkill. I can't wait to tell Castle about this. He'll be bugging me all night with his crazy theories. ;)**

Lanie didn't respond for a while. She shrugged and put her phone down. She probably had work to do. Kate stood up and moved to their freezer, in search of ice cream. She didn't understand why Gates had to send her home. She had nothing better to do. And since when did the Captain do anything just out of the kindness of her heart- for anybody? She brushed it off and returned to her tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

Her phone buzzed once more, and she glanced over at the screen to see Lanie's name pop up on screen. She was calling her. With a sigh, Kate picked up the phone. "Yes, Lanie?"

"Hey. Where are you, Kate? Javi said you left a little early."

"I'm at home, eating a bowl of ice cream." A small lie; she was eating out of the carton. But she didn't think her friend needed to know that she planned on cleaning off the tub before her husband even got home. "Why?"

"Nothing. I was just wondering if you were wanting to hang out later on today. You know, food, drinks, girl talk-"

"Sorry, Lanie. Can't tonight. Maybe another time though? It sounds like fun."

There was a slight pause before Lanie spoke again. "All right then. Why, you got some special plans going on tonight?"

"Mm, not special per se." A click of the front door sounded and Kate felt a smile cross her features. "I gotta go, Lanie. Castle just got back."

"Kate? Wait, wait. Kate, hold on."

"Hmm?" Kate mumbled into the phone as she felt her husband's hands on her back and he planted a soft kiss on her jaw before moving past and away from her, towards their bedroom.

"Kate honey, you need to listen to me very carefully."

"O-kay. Shoot."

"Rick's not there."

"What do you mean, Rick's not here? Don't be ridiculous. He just walked through the door!"

"Kate, I'm telling you. Rick's gone. Has been for almost a month now."

"No, he's not gone. He just walked past me."

"Kate. Listen to me. Castle's gone. He died one month ago in a car accident. Remember?"

"No."

"You showed up to work for the first time since the accident this morning."

"No. No!"

"Kate," Lanie's voice was pleading, begging her friend to recognize the truth. "Please, listen to me. I'm sorry sweetie. He's gone."

"He's in my house! He's... he's in the bedroom... he's taking a shower!"

"Kate? No one's in your home. If someone's there you need to be worried-"

"He is! I just saw him! He-"

"I'm going to send Esposito up there, all right?"

"No," Kate whimpered before finding her anger again and shouting loudly. "No, no, nonono NO!" She hurled her phone across the room as tears streamed down her face and she hugged her arms tightly to herself.

In the back of her mind, Kate heard a pounding on her- their- front door, but couldn't find it in her to move even to answer it. Instead, she focused on her anger, on her tears, on the sound of running water coming from their master bathroom.

The door burst open and Esposito burst in to find Kate kneeling on the floor, body wracked with tears. "Beckett!" He shouted as he raced to her side and cradled her in his arms gently. He took on a soothing tone and began to chant, almost as a mantra. "It's all right. It's okay. You're going to be fine. Everything will be okay."

"No, no, it's not okay. It can't be right. It _can't _be right! He's here! He's here!"

Kate began struggling against his hold on her, fighting him and his words with every scrap of energy that she wasn't spending on her tears. He kept his grip tight on her, despite her best efforts to free herself. "Kate, please. Stop fighting. You have to let go."

"I will _not_ let go!" She screamed, the sharpness of the noise surprising Espo into loosening his grasp slightly. Finally Kate broke through, and she raced through his study to their bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her and locking it.

Javi followed her closely, knocking on the bedroom door as firmly as possible, rattling it. "Beckett! Come back out here! _Beckett!_"

He listened with his ear against the door, and heard her muffled sobs. With a sigh, he turned around and headed back towards her kitchen where he'd found her. Ryan just stepped inside the apartment, but Espo shooed him back out to stand guard. It was then that he noticed Kate's phone was still running, his girlfriend's voice echoing out of it.

He picked it up. "Lanie?"

"Oh, thank God you were there, Javi. I was getting really worried with how she was talking."

"Yeah, well we're not out of the woods yet. She's still carrying on about Rick being here and now she's gone and locked herself in her room."

"Javi, what's wrong with her? She... she knows he's gone. It's been a month now. She hasn't been at work, and every time I've talked with her before she seemed fine, or at least cognizant of what had happened-"

"I don't know, Lanie. I have no clue what's running through her mind right now."

"What... what if it's some sort of psychotic breakdown? What should we do? What _can_ we do even?"

"I don't know. Gates said she has therapy tomorrow with Dr. Burke. I think one of us should go with her. And by that I mean-"

"I know, me. I can do it, no problem. It's just... scary is all."

"I know. Ryan and I are going to stay here tonight and keep tabs on her, hopefully she'll get some sleep and maybe all will be well in the morning. Okay?"

"All right," she sounded upset for not having been there for her friend, but she knew they would do their best to protect Kate from herself- and anyone who might try and mess with her at this time.

*****C*****

Kate awoke on her bed with her eyes practically swollen shut from all of her crying earlier, and struggled to fall back to sleep. _It's dark outside, Kate. You need sleep. Go back to sleep._

She felt a warm hand on her back. "Kate. Why aren't you asleep?" The voice whispered hotly into her ear, sending shivers down her spine.

She pinched her eyes shut, taking in a deep, shuddering breath as his knuckles skimmed her spine in a soothing up and down motion. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

"Kate," he began, the tone in his voice pleading.

She felt the tears slip down her face, but she didn't bother even moving to brush them away. "Why? Why are they lying to me? You're here. You're right here."

"Kate. You've got to let go. Let it go."

"I can't. They're making me feel like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. Why can't they see that?"

"I know that."

"Oh, shut it, Rick. You're as much to blame for this as they are."

"Me? How am I to blame?"

Kate's emotions got the better of her and she suddenly shot to her feet, bumping into the nightstand and unsteadying the lamp. "Because, _Rick_. It's you they don't see. It's you they think is dead! And you're the one they keep saying died a month ago!"

The lamp toppled over and hit the ground with a loud crash as she spun around to face her husband. He was standing by his window, leaning heavily against the frame and looking out at the stars. A shout of surprise sounded outside in the loft at the sound. There was a slight pause before he softly asked. "Why?"

Kate's brow furrowed slightly in confusion. "What?"

"Why do they think that I'm dead?"

Kate gaped at the man before her, before collecting herself and frowning in confusion once more. Why _did_ they think that? "I... I'm not-"

"Kate," his voice was no more than a whisper. Still he did not turn to face her.

A knock sounded on the bedroom door. "Kate? You all right? What was that noise?"

She stared at his back, fear suddenly eating away at her insides. "Rick," she started.

"I've been trying to tell you all day..."

Her throat started to close up. Another knock rapped on the door and she heard Esposito call her name. "Kate?"

"Trying to let you go. Trying to get you to let me go."

"Stop. Stop it, Rick. Please. You don't mean that."

"Kate? Open the door, Kate!"

"I've got to leave, Kate."

And suddenly it all washed over her again. Leaving to go to work. Leaving to meet with Gina. Leaving on a book tour. Leaving her just to walk into the other room, to deal with Espo on her own.

Leaving her at the hospital, staring at him through watery eyes as the last of his life drained from his body.

A cry of anguish was ripped from her throat and she brought her fingers up to her lips as the pain of it all shook her body once more. "Rick!" She squeezed her eyes shut tight, feeling the hot tears roll down her cheeks as she collapsed to her knees. "No, Rick, no, Rick. No. Rick. Rick."

The door swung open suddenly and Esposito and Ryan came racing in, weapons at the ready, just in case. They found Kate kneeling, sobs wracking her slight frame and repeating her deceased husband's name as though it were a mantra capable of bringing him back.

Esposito knelt to her level and placed a light hand on her elbow. "Kate," he spoke quietly, almost chiding.

"Rick, no, please. You can't leave me. I'm not ready."

"Beckett."

Kate broke, going limp into Javier's arms and sobbing uncontrollably. The man cast a worried glance at his partner and mouthing the words _Call Lanie._ Ryan nodded and, after taking one last survey of the broken lamp and the disheveled room, stepped out to place the phone call.

After several long minutes, Kate's sobs slowed to hiccups and all of her tears had dried out. Esposito kept his grip firm on her, knowing how fragile she was, how easily even just his movement might break her.

"He can't be gone," she interrupted his train of thought suddenly. "He can't just have left me like this. He can't be gone," Kate's voice was hoarse and broken from all of the crying.

Javier felt his heart break. "I'm so sorry, Kate."

"It's not fair."

Another pang stabbed at his heart. "I know."

And then he just held her, silently shedding tears along with her, allowing them both their grief.

*****C*****

"Kate. How you doing today?"

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, non-responsive.

"Kate?"

She inhaled deeply, letting her eyes drift shut for a moment, toying with the edge of her scarf distractedly.

"You know, Kate, I can't force you to talk. You don't have to tell me anything. If you'd rather, we can just sit here in silence for the next fifty-three minutes of our session. I don't think it would help you any, but that's what we can do."

A small flare of irritation lit up inside her, and Kate chanced a look at Dr. Burke's face- and he was looking straight at her, giving her a small, encouraging smile. Damn. She was caught. With one last sigh, Kate looked at the floor and began to speak.

"I don't know what happened yesterday. It was like I woke up and my life was still where it was before. Rick was there, talking to me- not even so much interacting with me, but he was there. I really thought he was there..." her voice trailed off, growing almost to a whisper.

Dr. Burke did a good job hiding his surprise, if he'd had any. At most, he looked concerned as he set aside his notebook and looked straight into her face. "Kate... Detective Beckett," he secured her glance at that, knowing she would be caught off guard by her maiden name. "You've experienced more hardships and lived through more trauma than most people go through in a lifetime. You're an incredibly strong woman- on of the strongest I've ever met- and I believe that you could honestly survive anything. That being said, you know a little something about PTSD."

Kate flinched. That she did. "I don't understand, though. I've never had something like this happen before- I've never honestly believed that my mother was still alive. Never convinced myself of something as large as that, lived my life under that belief. Why now? How is it possible? I just..." she shrugged helplessly, feeling the tears start again.

Dr. Burke paused for a moment before continuing. "Kate. I know it's difficult to comprehend. But you know this was a major loss in your life. He was your husband. You hadn't even been married a full year yet when he was taken from you, and in a horrible accident of all things. Something you had no control over and no say in."

"So what?" Kate cut in, brushing her tears away fiercely. "I just made it all up, imagined that it didn't happen? I'm not crazy, doctor."

"No. No you're not." He gathered his thoughts, trying to phrase his thoughts correctly without offending the detective. He pursed his lips before continuing. "I believe you were dreaming of him, missing him, distraught without him, and somehow brought him back into your life as a coping mechanism."

"So, what, I was daydreaming? That's the most realistic dream I've ever had, then- day or night."

"No, it was more along the lines of a hallucination."

The words struck Kate like a ton of bricks. "Hallucinating?"

"It's not as bad as it sounds, Kate. A lot of people go through this, after the death of a loved one. It's hard to reconcile the fact that you have to go on living your life when such a crucial piece of it is missing. That's the solution your mind provides. And in most cases, it's also pointing you in a certain direction. On some level, whether you recognize it or not, your mind knows the situation isn't real."

Kate was too shocked to respond to that. She felt betrayed- by her mind for making her believe things that weren't real, by everyone around her for taking away her dream, by Castle for holding true on his promise of "Always" and leaving her too soon. But for all that pain, he was trying to tell her something. Her mind knew it wasn't real. It was telling her to let him go.

Dr. Burke settled back into his seat. "I think the interesting thing will be to see when this began, and how much of it your mind knew was fake. I know this will be hard, and very confusing for you, but I want you to do the best you can. The more we air out, perhaps the better the handle we'll get on just why this happened."

Kate nodded slowly, her mind still running a mile a minute. How could this have happened? For how long? Was this the first time? What else wasn't real?

He crossed his legs, picked up his pen and notepad, and set them at the ready on his lap. "Let's start at the beginning."

* * *

**The End**


End file.
